I’ve just sat and filled in the calendar for the new year so had to go back over 2020 and I found it much more difficult than I thought I would. I’m not sure what was worse; the first two months where it was full and we had no idea what was on the horizon, the angry scribblings out that followed or the months of complete emptiness.
I could write paragraphs about this year but I won’t. It’s not helpful, we’ve all had struggles, it would make THE MOST miserable read and lets be honest, it’s not like I’m going to forget it!
SO, onto 2021. Obviously nobody knows what it will look like but I’m feeling quietly optimistic and hopeful. I have to really. I’m not one for proper resolutions; ‘lose 5 stone’ and ‘give up chocolate’ can get in the bin as far as I’m concerned but I do like to look at the year retrospectively and think about what I want to carry forward. I kept up with running which I’m very proud of, I’m a natural quitter so it’s quite a big deal for me. I very recently ran a half marathon so I’m definitely going to keep that going. I’m slowly getting back into writing (clearly) which I’m enjoying as a way of emptying my overthinking mind, whether I then go onto to click ‘publish’ or not doesn’t really matter. I go through phases of enjoying cooking (NOT baking, way too precise for me) so I’d like to carry on experimenting when the mood strikes.
Now, OBVIOUSLY I want to see more of the people of love, live a more ‘normal’ looking life and do all of the things that have been put on ice this year… but all of that is out of my hands. What I can control is the FUN. I’m so risk-averse and whilst that can be a good thing, I know I miss out on experiences sometimes.
Maybe its because I’m turning 30 this year (!!!) or maybe it’s just after spending so much time at home, but I want my 2021 to be filled with JOY, FUN and SO MUCH SILLINESS. I’m not burying my head in the sand or trying to downplay all of the very serious things happening in the world. I just don’t want to absorb all of that and feel like I’m living my life with a sad rain cloud hovering over me.
I want to sing aloud to my favourite song when I’m running. (It’s Wham! – Wake me up before you go go, just FYI.)
I want to get a scooter like my kids have and join in.
I want to buy the floral dress that looks like it belonged to a bridesmaid in 1996 because I like it.
I want to be more spontaneous.
I want to swim in the sea when its FREEZING cold.
I want to jump in every muddle puddle.
I want belly laughs that make your eyes cry.
My phone showed me a memory from 2009 where my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I bought each other massive space hoppers for Christmas and spent a whole day bouncing around a field in the cold. I want more of that.
So many times this year I have found myself surviving and not really LIVING, and that’s ok, I’ve done my best to keep my head above water in a difficult time and I know it’s not over yet. I know January in particular will be very difficult. I’ve written before about how I’ve always struggled with the cold, dark, post-Christmas months and that’s without a pandemic. Please don’t think I’m belittling any of that.
But, isn’t that exactly why we need a little more silliness?